There are even warnings at the bottom of the article in question, like (and I paraphrase/quote some):
- Don’t smother or grab her suddenly, and definitely don’t hug ONLY her head. That’s weird.
- Don’t touch her butt, keep your hands on her back. If you DO find your hands on her back, quickly stammer out a joke about it to smooth the situation over: “Sorry my hands slipped down to that area, guess I’ve got BUTTerfingers, huh?” Then take a step back and just accept the slap across the face. Crisis averted.
- Don’t say anything to make her uncomfortable, like “this is way better than hugging one of my teddy bears!” or “you smell like the combination of honey and New York City sidewalk gum.” DEFINITELY don’t whisper either of those. Actually, don’t whisper anything. Use your outdoor voice.
- Fuck it, I’m quoting this one directly for its presumptuousness. The hug’s only step 1, AMIRITE FELLAS? “Try not to have bad breath. Don’t chew gum because you may plan to kiss when hugging.” Actually, if you ARE chewing gum while hugging, loudly spit it out behind the girl, as she’ll learn your intentions and be ready to head to make-out city.
- “Some girls may give a loud, involuntary squeal if you scare or hug them from behind. So, unless you know she won’t mind it, don’t sneak up on her. If this does happen, don’t tease her about it unless you know her sense of humor well enough to be sure she’ll take it well. In some cases, squealing is an involuntary body noise kind of like burping or farting—in other words, to some girls it’s rather embarrassing—and responding with anything more than a smile might be interpreted as, well, mean.” - Oh, so THAT’S how you know you’ve done something totally fucking creepy. She squeals involuntary! Got it. Anybody writing this down? And she does squeal, you DON’T want to tease her about it? Phew, all this learning is exhausting.
- "If you hug her from behind, she might think that she is being kidnapped, and you could be hurt in the process of hugging her." Got it. So guys, if you’re planning to sneak up and hug a girl from behind, loudly proclaim what you’re about to do: "HI GIRL, KEEP FACING FORWARD, BECAUSE I’D LIKE TO GIVE YOU A HUG FROM BEHIND NOW. HERE I COME. 3 FEET AWAY. 1 FOOT. HUG TIME." This way, you’ll avoid any involuntary squeals.
So there you go, fellas. If you’re trying to hug a girl you might be into, just make sure to mentally rotate all the tips found here and behind the link because it’ll be the only way to get you nice and relaxed for that hug. Actually, you should probably mouth the tips silently to yourself on the approach; this way, the girl will know that you’re taking this hug very seriously, and totally loosen up. She’ll be listening for that gum being spit out!
Go get ‘em, tiger.