In my Songs post this week, I posted my Super Bowl predictions. Since I’m not a fan of the Giants or the Patriots (the latter of which I hate with the passion of a thousand fiery suns), those predictions got thrown in as part of a bigger post. But this… is…

THE PUPPY BOWL

2 teams of puppies enter. About a dozen puppies who don’t realize they’re on any sort of team leave. A nation united, locked in to their TVs, and just melting because OMG IT’S SO CUTE. Here are my predictions.

Leading rusher - #14, Bully

Little Bully here sends waves of fear into the other team. Just one look at this guy running at your defense and you move out of the way. He’s all RUFF and tumble, folks. He will go off for 200 rushing inches, even while stopping midfield to take a drink from the little water bowl.

Defensive player of the game - #61, Sparkles

Nobody fucks with Sparkles. Nobody. She covers the secondary better than any puppy cornerback before her. She’ll have a perfect game, breaking up any passes coming her way, and will lick one of the cameras.

Leading receiver - #11, Mr. Fubbletonworth

Mr. Fubbletonworth is too fast for any defensive backs to keep a handle on. His inches after catch total is unmatched in the history of the Puppy Bowl, and look for him to unleash one of his devastating, 80 inch screen pass runs for a touchdown, then pee in the far corner of the field. Bad dog.

Most devastating tackle - #58, Noodles, AKA “THE HAMMER”

Watch out. If you see her coming at you with your head down, you better just drop down and end the play yourself, because man, you won’t remember what the hell just happened to you. She’ll put a hit on an opposing puppy so devastating we’ll see footage of it on ESPN for years after. She won’t lose focus this time by sniffing all the other dogs’ butts. Not this time. Book it.

…and your MVP…

Quarterback, #6, Ol’ Cal himself, Excalibur

With the game on the line late in the 4th quarter, and all the other puppies distracted by myriad toys and the weird tall guys with those big machines with lenses all around them, Excalibur will look left, and see no open receivers. Look right, and nothing. THE HAMMER coming right at him. The clock has already expired, so this is the play with which he’ll have to win it all for his teammates and fans, and all those watching at home, besides themselves because they just can’t handle it… GOD IT’S SO CUTE. He’ll elude The Hammer, barely, with a spin move, and decide to make a break for it himself. At midfield, he’ll run in a circle, then the wrong way for a couple of seconds, because he’s a puppy, BUT HE’LL REGAIN HIS FOCUS! From there, it’s a clear field, and he’ll score the winning touchdown, and bring the title back to his hometown, The Thompsons’ house in Albany.

Or some such.

These have been my Puppy Bowl Predictions. Place your bets accordingly.

Oh yeah, and here’s that video by Hospitality I alluded to.